Journal Of A Nero Spicy Mom

 New Year's is coming fast. Another year to remind me that my life doesn't feel like my own anymore. Another year without my two oldest sons, a reminder of the unimaginable betrayal I've faced the last 3 yrs from the people I trusted the most in my life. That being said, beyond the betrayal and loss I've gained the universe's validation that my thoughts of being more alone in the world than not were all valid. I was reminded today that I have always been the one person that everyone else can count on, but when it comes to my needing help, its never available or as I was told when I asked So, I'm on my own? when asking for help.. Who can help you?! Apparently, it wasn't the person I asked for help from obviously. It makes me sad and disappointed but sadly doesn't surprise me much. This person has reminded me a lot of my mother sadly lately so nothing cruel said surprises me anymore. When this person said it to me, all I could think of was But I helped you...

 So, time has passed. I feel less manic and depressed. I'm thinking of dying my hair, lol. If you know, you know. I've accepted that where I am in life and after this dreadful 16-year cycle comes to an end the insane, unfair losses I've been forced to take the last 4 years have given me.. well, More CPTSD symptoms lol first. But it's given me perspective and value. I look back on the last 16 years and what a ride. It's come to a place I didn't see coming but I'm here. I embrace what life gives and after the disappointment dies down I eventually come to acceptance and find a way out. I might very well be single in New Year, and I turn 40 in March. Am I really about to start this new decade out alone and single?! I can't honestly do anything at this point other than laugh. Laugh because if I had known all those years ago what I know now, not only about life but about myself and my value, what I want and what I deserve, and what I bring to the table, life w...

 Its amazing how many men stand in their woman's face and say "At least I'm faithful" or ''I never cheated" like sir.. Are you seriously bragging or expecting credit for being faithful?! Being faithful in a relationship is BARE MINIMUM. Being faithful is a given. nothing amazing, or credit worthy. its the very LEAST you can do in a relationship. Why do you get credit for something that should be a given thing in any relationship. If he thinks he's getting credit for doing something that is a given then he's insane. Sir, just NO..

 Nearly two months in and i cant let go of this gut wrenching pain in my soul. I hate him so much for taking everything I built for myself and my kids all to feed his own fucking ego. He says he's doing this, never home, leaving me to deal and struggle with everything alone to better our crumbling situation and its the biggest crock of shit I've ever heard. He did all this to be in control. He took everything away from me so he could feel like "a man" and feed his ego. he couldn't just do what he was supposed to do as the man and clean the yard, the garage and build a family business to leave our kids. simple things that mattered that I couldn't do alone and he took everything away so I had no choice but to be forced to count only on him and yet I cant count on him for anything. If I could count on him the yard,garage and house chores I need done would be done. wouldn't have taken him 2 months to bring our fridge in and the used one that came with this shi...

I can only imagine this must be exactly what she felt..It's the first time I dated someone with ex wives, or even other kids before me. His ex wife took his daughter away from him and moved her to the UK where she's originally from. I can only imagine the behavior he's showing me now is why it all went so toxic for the 3 of them. Two of the three kids he had before our daughter have severe father issues and shotty relationships with their mothers at best. The two he favored of the 3 are messy, ones possibly looking at some solid jail time for his entitlement to other people's belongings. Working towards something is to hard so take others hard earned things instead. At this point none of his kids speak to him but still speak to me. More likely because he has no accountability and no want to change his behavior. He does it to me and it's been almost 9yrs. I can't imagine how they must feel invalidated after nearly 30yrs. He's not someone I would want my daugh...

 Two days till holloween and its the first time in years that I am not ready for it. barely anything is up, the kids usually get new costumes every year but not this year. I'm not even sure what everyone's going to be yet. I got more sleep then I have all month last night but its not even 4pm and Im utterly exhausted. I feel like I could get all the sleep in the world at this point and still not catch up. I do everything, no one helps. I feel like my aunt linda must have felt, her being just expected to take care of everything and everyone that no one notices that shes getting sicker and more tired of life. She couldn't fight at the end because she had nothing left to give, not even to save herself. I don't want to be that way but I feel like my family has given me no choice. No one notices me either. Even when tim sees me struggling he doesn't say or do anything to ease me burdens he just pretends he doesn't notice or he just shrugs me off. like Im not his burd...