Journal Of A Nero Spicy Mom

 Two days till holloween and its the first time in years that I am not ready for it. barely anything is up, the kids usually get new costumes every year but not this year. I'm not even sure what everyone's going to be yet. I got more sleep then I have all month last night but its not even 4pm and Im utterly exhausted. I feel like I could get all the sleep in the world at this point and still not catch up. I do everything, no one helps. I feel like my aunt linda must have felt, her being just expected to take care of everything and everyone that no one notices that shes getting sicker and more tired of life. She couldn't fight at the end because she had nothing left to give, not even to save herself. I don't want to be that way but I feel like my family has given me no choice. No one notices me either. Even when tim sees me struggling he doesn't say or do anything to ease me burdens he just pretends he doesn't notice or he just shrugs me off. like Im not his burd...

So after 11yrs raising my 8 childen in my house. We moved. I hate it. It was the last time I will have my 8 kids under one roof..I hate everything about leaving and moving my kids and the uncertainty, the unsafe feeling I now have creeping over my shoulders now. I don't remember the last time I've felt such uncertainty, its been so long having a safety net for my kids and now its simply..gone. I used to know that no matter what happened that our home was our safe space. Now its gone. I don't have the safety net for them. Our space is smaller, I have to go through all my stuff and choose what wont fit and what I have to throw out, its so much trauma for me and we now we have no certainty at all anymore. Anything can happen and now I cant be sure I can stop things from upheaving their lives anymore. I moved so much as a child that I always told myself that I wouldn't do the same to my children.. and it happened. Ive had so much good and just as much bad if not more and no...

 So I knew that moving and starting over would be a BIG adjustment for me due to moving being a big trigger for me. I have suffered from CPTSD most of my life. Moving was a trauma in my life growing up in foster care all my childhood and moving every year became traumatic in my childhood, not the cause of my cptsd but it is still something that stands out in my mind. I lived in my old house for 11 years. Unusually long for a renter but it was my home. My children's home. A number of them were born there and a large chunk only remembers living there. It's been a month since we moved and if I am completely honest.. I've hated every single aspect of it. My house isn't mine, no organization. I'm not even sure where to put our Christmas tree this year. I feel alone. Tim isn't my rock in this situation or any other for that matter. I Am his, but he's not mine. I can't tell him for I feel or it starts a fight, even though in 9 years I supported our family so he...