Journal Of A Nero Spicy Mom

 New Year's is coming fast. Another year to remind me that my life doesn't feel like my own anymore. Another year without my two oldest sons, a reminder of the unimaginable betrayal I've faced the last 3 yrs from the people I trusted the most in my life. That being said, beyond the betrayal and loss I've gained the universe's validation that my thoughts of being more alone in the world than not were all valid. I was reminded today that I have always been the one person that everyone else can count on, but when it comes to my needing help, its never available or as I was told when I asked So, I'm on my own? when asking for help.. Who can help you?! Apparently, it wasn't the person I asked for help from obviously. It makes me sad and disappointed but sadly doesn't surprise me much. This person has reminded me a lot of my mother sadly lately so nothing cruel said surprises me anymore. When this person said it to me, all I could think of was But I helped you...

 So, time has passed. I feel less manic and depressed. I'm thinking of dying my hair, lol. If you know, you know. I've accepted that where I am in life and after this dreadful 16-year cycle comes to an end the insane, unfair losses I've been forced to take the last 4 years have given me.. well, More CPTSD symptoms lol first. But it's given me perspective and value. I look back on the last 16 years and what a ride. It's come to a place I didn't see coming but I'm here. I embrace what life gives and after the disappointment dies down I eventually come to acceptance and find a way out. I might very well be single in New Year, and I turn 40 in March. Am I really about to start this new decade out alone and single?! I can't honestly do anything at this point other than laugh. Laugh because if I had known all those years ago what I know now, not only about life but about myself and my value, what I want and what I deserve, and what I bring to the table, life w...