The disappointment is settling..

 So, time has passed. I feel less manic and depressed. I'm thinking of dying my hair, lol. If you know, you know. I've accepted that where I am in life and after this dreadful 16-year cycle comes to an end the insane, unfair losses I've been forced to take the last 4 years have given me.. well, More CPTSD symptoms lol first. But it's given me perspective and value. I look back on the last 16 years and what a ride. It's come to a place I didn't see coming but I'm here. I embrace what life gives and after the disappointment dies down I eventually come to acceptance and find a way out. I might very well be single in New Year, and I turn 40 in March. Am I really about to start this new decade out alone and single?! I can't honestly do anything at this point other than laugh. Laugh because if I had known all those years ago what I know now, not only about life but about myself and my value, what I want and what I deserve, and what I bring to the table, life would be something incredibly different. I have so many things that cross my mind now but the one thing is that life is mine again. By that I mean when I am with someone I give them far more than I give myself. I tend to put them first and it becomes exhausting because it is never a give-and-take thing it's a take-take-take-take thing. Every single time. I laugh because I realize, that if I can hold it down for them so hard, pay for everything do everything, support their dreams, even pay for their dreams to come true..why don't I have the self-love to just simply do it for myself? I mean something to address with the therapist obviously lol It's hard for me to accept I've wasted so many years of my life simply sacrificing for the better of others. I suppose like the advice I have been giving to a friend who's battling mental health and addiction. Time to deal with Your shit and make you happy.