Who can help you?! Me i guess..

 New Year's is coming fast. Another year to remind me that my life doesn't feel like my own anymore. Another year without my two oldest sons, a reminder of the unimaginable betrayal I've faced the last 3 yrs from the people I trusted the most in my life. That being said, beyond the betrayal and loss I've gained the universe's validation that my thoughts of being more alone in the world than not were all valid. I was reminded today that I have always been the one person that everyone else can count on, but when it comes to my needing help, its never available or as I was told when I asked So, I'm on my own? when asking for help.. Who can help you?! Apparently, it wasn't the person I asked for help from obviously. It makes me sad and disappointed but sadly doesn't surprise me much. This person has reminded me a lot of my mother sadly lately so nothing cruel said surprises me anymore. When this person said it to me, all I could think of was But I helped you mourn and move forward from the loss of your mother and I never even met her.. who can you not help with a problem You openly admit was your fault?! I don't understand it..

On a brighter note, I've been talking to my brother. He's doing time. It's not unusual but he's sober when he's there so I enjoy talking to the old version of him that I knew growing up. Us being the older two always left us with more trauma than our siblings and it kept us close through the years. Same with my late cousin. We all bonded over our trauma growing up. They both being older than me, carried a lot more trauma than me mind you but out of my and my younger two siblings, I remember it all and those two don't remember any of it. My brother and I talked about writing a book together. Our mother always thought that if I ever wrote a book it would be some kinda bash book against her but the reality is, she'd never taken the time to know me for me to know I'd never put my name on something that wasn't constructive or helpful. I really have no need to bash her, people who know her either know who she is or they support her and I don't have a single desire to convince those people of what she's capable of. 
We want to be something helpful, siblings who grew up together but one went to something positive and the other not so much. The idea intrigued me. 

Anyways, time to get back to the daily. 

Till next time..

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