The end of a chapter..

So after 11yrs raising my 8 childen in my house. We moved. I hate it. It was the last time I will have my 8 kids under one roof..I hate everything about leaving and moving my kids and the uncertainty, the unsafe feeling I now have creeping over my shoulders now. I don't remember the last time I've felt such uncertainty, its been so long having a safety net for my kids and now its simply..gone. I used to know that no matter what happened that our home was our safe space. Now its gone. I don't have the safety net for them. Our space is smaller, I have to go through all my stuff and choose what wont fit and what I have to throw out, its so much trauma for me and we now we have no certainty at all anymore. Anything can happen and now I cant be sure I can stop things from upheaving their lives anymore. I moved so much as a child that I always told myself that I wouldn't do the same to my children.. and it happened. Ive had so much good and just as much bad if not more and no matter what bad has happened the one thing never changed is we had security in our home, and after all this all I can think is.. its gone. Moving has been so traumatic every single time and sadly this time was so messy that it was no different. I think I get some organization in this new place and more stuff gets shoved in its already small cramped spaces. I cant get a handle on any of it..Our old place always felt like My Place.. this new place..doesn't. Its our house now.. but this isn't my home. I felt that the old place was Mine from the moment I saw it. This place feels.. Empty. New. Like its never been anyone's Home.. Its just.. a place to live. For the first time in forever I feel.. homeless. Like I have a house but not a home. I'm sure people will say you just moved there.. give it time. But its not the same and unless you've been actually homeless or moved home to home to home then settled for over a decade and not only raised but birthed your children in one home, most wont begin to understand. Its the most heartbroken I've been in a very long time. i pray I can make this new place feel better with time but its not the same..

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