A month in..

 So I knew that moving and starting over would be a BIG adjustment for me due to moving being a big trigger for me. I have suffered from CPTSD most of my life. Moving was a trauma in my life growing up in foster care all my childhood and moving every year became traumatic in my childhood, not the cause of my cptsd but it is still something that stands out in my mind. I lived in my old house for 11 years. Unusually long for a renter but it was my home. My children's home. A number of them were born there and a large chunk only remembers living there. It's been a month since we moved and if I am completely honest.. I've hated every single aspect of it. My house isn't mine, no organization. I'm not even sure where to put our Christmas tree this year. I feel alone. Tim isn't my rock in this situation or any other for that matter. I Am his, but he's not mine. I can't tell him for I feel or it starts a fight, even though in 9 years I supported our family so he could get "the family business" off the ground. He always complained that his exes held him back from this and that and I didn't wanna be that person. He bragged about running this yard and that. So I gave him the freedom to build his own company and I didn't mind being the support he claimed he didn't have before. But 9 years in now I am seeing that it wasn't them, well might have been them saying no but clearly, it's because they didn't think he could do it. The thing that makes me most mad now is that I can't support us alone, and it feels like he did this on purpose so I can't make it alone anymore. Like my security in keeping me and the kids afloat alone was a threat to him. I can't tell him anything. I can't share my fears or the anger I have in the fact the kids got their own spaces and most got their own rooms and even living room and washroom and kitchen even, His new space is the back porch just like my kid's father used to do and aside from the fact its becoming a BIG red flag in my head, I lost my space..everyone has theirs and my desk, my entire set up I worked so hard to build, is gone. No room for any of it. so I am the only one who sacrificed to move into a house that I don't even want to be in. I hate it here. I hate how he conducted the move, I hate that I am struggling so bad and he doesn't care. I hate that my life is forever changed and I had no say in any of it or how it took place. I feel like I am drowning and he's just watching me from a dock saying wow, you think you're drowning.. well what about me? watching you struggle is hard for me too you know. You know what... I'm gonna go and ill come back later and hopefully, you won't bitch so much about it. Meanwhile, I'm dying.